Sunday, July 29, 2012

In my rush to run the field....

there are days I wonder if I've made more mistakes than lived well.
"have I filled my mistake jar too full"? I ask. 
Have I lived just outside of wellness to come back and be honorable?
Am I worth Loving?
Am I?

In my rush to run the field,
have I pushed away the last blade of grass
and watched the fishes last sparkling scales under my callused feet?
Is Love mine still to cling or  
have the mistakes added up past the level?

What sage can answer me now
I'll quest if you can help me rest.
there is only one answer
either the one I know or the one I won't believe.

I push you away in my longing to be Loved and I am as confused as anyone at strange logic.




Saturday, July 14, 2012

Dragon

I'm lying in a hammock in my sister's back yard, aka. 'The Garden of Eden'. I feel a sense of overwhelming peace that passes all understanding. 
Yes, I just spoke in horrible, biblical cliches! They've been top of mind a lot lately so I'm just going with them. 
The Peace thing is a big deal (awareness) as I  started the day with a debilitating insecure mental buzz. The only way I can think to describe it is similar to a nasty caffeine high at 3 am, only it doesn't wear off. You can't get away from it except to wait. The worst part of the buzz is it started small, a few weeks ago as an inspired, motivated, creative state. A disguise for what the medical profession has labeled on me 'mania'.  I'm blessed to have the most loving caring parents who I've been hanging out with this weekend. I was in the car with my diplomatic dad who apparently witnessed my tell-tale behavior of talking fast. He then reported his concern to my Mum- I love this chain of command. It's the way it is in my family, we watch out for each other fiercely!  There were triggers that are irritatingly consistent so as you think I'd know it was happening. As is almost always the case, I wasn't the first to recognize it happening. I just realized progress though; I wasn't the last....... AND I THINK I CAUGHT IT!

TRIGGERS • lack of sleep and restorative time, art show, new friendships, spiritual growth.
DRAGON TO SLAY •  fear of alone-ness, self abuse, insecurity, working on my own steam, perfectionism.
SYMPTOMS • jitters, un-restful sleeps, creativity, motivation, a lot of ideas, emotional, shortness of breath, dizziness, talking a lot and fast, hyper emotional, spiritual connectedness.

What to do today; well, possibly, exactly what I'm doing.......
1. lie in a hammock
2. breathe
3. pop the air out of the thought bubbles that tell me I'm not good enough and then hope they shut up.
4. sleep (with a little help from my meds)

Monday, July 9, 2012

Post-Lille Gard-fest

Have you ever had immersion into absolute spirit-filled, emotional goodness? Like, you've been picked up off the planet and gently placed somewhere safe...... no, I'm not having a manic episode I just went to Lille Gard Arts festival! For three days we laughed, created, collaborated, danced, sang, Loved each other and completely saturated ourselves in art of all kinds. It was pure bliss. For me, it started here with this video:
I worked on the Lille Gard promo video with two of the most creative, wonderful guys who let me throw everything I have at it. They came to my studio and Nico Boesten filmed while we painted. Jesse Padget, 'idea guy extraordinaire'; directed, painted and then narrated and played the banjo.

It's taking me some time to get my footing back after being swept away like that.....

I have made amazing contacts and sparked some exciting fires. Let the Action begin!

Watch for upcoming workshops, shows, new work being created and best of all COLLABORATION!!!!
P.S. do you have a homeschooler looking for art instruction in the fall?

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Cut Grass..... or cutting the grass


Today: Love is, to me, someone who wants to cut my grass.
I want someone to want to cut my grass.
seems so simple.
I live on a big beautiful property with a lot of it and the only mower we have is a tiny little electric one. My dad does most of the work so I really don't have to do it very often. The mower had a flap over the back opening that has been removed so as you walk behind it you get a face full of cut grass. We have had a lot of rain so every green thing has grown thick and lush. It's beautiful.
Right now it represents for me, though, fear of being alone with all the jobs of life. Maybe it's a girl thing. So much work to do...... so much alone. It's crippling at times, and I never quite seem to get it right.
I know for sure that I have to look at it differently, do it differently because it's just way too painful this way. I know for sure that God listens. In the mean time I hold my hands to my heart often and say, "it's OK baby, it'll be OK. You know, be my own set of arms..... hold on tight for a bit longer.
Love is, to me, someone who wants to cut my grass.
this is where I live and Love.
It is love that brings happiness to people.
It is love that gives joy to happiness.
My mother didn't give birth to me, that love did.
A hundred blessings and praises to that love. Rumi

My daughter just got home and said, " I washed and vaccuumed the car mom"........ Love.