Tuesday, March 13, 2012

life happens

us on one of our first dates. in a photo booth

Tonight my daughter brought her phone to me and read out a twitter conversation her dad was having with a woman. I found myself dissolving into a spell of crushing pain and confusion and then viewed the tweets myself. It was just a week or so ago when he told me he didn't want to speak to me anymore. before that I was feeling so happy, that we would talk regularly about how the kids are doing, to raise them together and to be a re-defined family but then I was abruptly cut-off, without explanation. It must be about the time this new person entered our lives.

I'm examining my feelings tonight and trying hard to really see them for what they are. Sadness and disappointment that we didn't last forever, letting go of the dream that he might show up on a white horse one day.  I knew the day would come that he'd find someone else. I just didn't want it to and so I let myself believe that we would work on our proverbial 'stuff' and find each other again and things would be new and different. Tonight, I'm back to this business of grieving. Back to the beginning- denial....  I must be on stage 2 of the grief ladder because it feels more like intense pain.

Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote about the 5 stages of grief, I found this list of 7:

1. DENIAL
2. PAIN

3. ANGER/ BARGAINING
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
6. RECONSTRUCTION/ WORKING THROUGH
7. ACCEPTANCE/ HOPE-

I need to know that I will get to reconstruction, acceptance and hope because being down in the pain pit makes it hard to see a way out.

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