Saturday, March 17, 2012

Earth's crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God;
And only he who sees takes off his shoes;
The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.

It's been a long cold winter. I woke up today to drizzling wet snow and rain. The clouds weren't even clouds. I had put some cosmic time limit on this winter of my heart but the cosmos, the Universe has other plans. It says to me,, "oh, girl, it's only just begun". This lesson is wide and deep and only you can wade your way through it alone. You won't see me, I'll be there though, just as I've promised. Keep walking and you'll know when it's over." And I throw myself face down on the ground with my pink and black hair flailing...... begging. bargaining. pleading.

I hear messages like, "Love sometimes, is not enough"
And I scream inside.... but Love is all I know how to do....... letting go is a whole other story........ I don't know how to do that.

"the grieving can go on for years" is another one...... and I say, "I can't do this for years, it's TOO F-ING PAINFUL"

"you'll get through it" they say. and I say......."I don't want to f-ing get through it, I want my life the way I imagine it" and I hear my inner two year old shamefully making an absolute fool of herself.


The stories in my head have to be mine though, so I say, "everything is unfolding perfectly". And then I believe it somewhere down under the rubble of this wound. This blasted open f-ing wound in my chest. This weeping, oozing, bloody thing that keeps re-opening.

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