Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Illusion of Fear

Yesterday I lay down for a rare afternoon nap.  I'm not sure if it was exhaustion from too many late nights but as I slipped in to the bliss that only an afternoon sleep can be, a deep and haunting blanket of fear settled over...... It was gripping and felt like those images of ominous, black storm clouds sped up in time lapse photography.  I laid on my side, stationary. Hoping sleep would find me deeply and generously, I stayed still. I bargained with God to reveal anything to me so  I could make light of it and enjoy my nap. To no avail, the evil feeling set in to my cells. I had the tell-tale signs of belief.... shivering, speeding heart beats and cold extremities. The interesting thing about the experience is that I had the clear sense that it was a lie, an illusion, completely fabricated by some rogue section of my brain trying to convince me that fear was the right choice. It said all kinds of horrible things to me, "you're not so great", "people are lying to you when they compliment your art",  "you really look old and wrinkly", your career is never going to amount to much", oh and yes even, "no one will ever Love you"......... on and on it went like a hornet lighting on surfaces but never much committing to a specific one.  It was ugly and it lied very well.

Unlike at other times in my life, this time I was able to be an observer, I couldn't make it stop but I felt no need to argue with it. The hornet went on from surface to surface with the occasional sting to see if it could get a reaction. I think I drifted into semi-conciousness and continued to observe. When I woke I realized I had been an explorer in a new frontier of a space and time and that I had been on a quest for it for so long. I had lived for long periods in the blackness of the lie of fear..... it was as real to me as a cream pie in the face.  My sleepy epiphany was standing at the precipice of no return, I crossed the chasm into light and Love.

Have you ever watched a butterfly just after it emerges from it's chrysalis and is a fully intact amazing creature but not quite yet sure of it's flying ability? It sits for a time slowly moving it's wings up and down........up and down............ up and down and then suddenly, as though it's done it for 1000 years,  lifts and floats away in a blur of brilliant colour. I think that's me, now. I'm sitting at the end of the dock just emerged from a long slumber and my wings are testing.... up and down...... up and down........ up and down. I haven't yet believed the moment that comes next. I think we are not prohibited to believe it because it is going to be so much more magical and wonderful than anything ever previously known. It is going to be huge. Possibly heavenly. I was given a glimmer of the fear I've left behind so I won't forget that it's behind me. Its talons used to grip me mercilessly for months at a time but that bird has officially flown the coop. I NEVER will feel that fear again, A new excitement of risk has taken its place. What a wonder is this world.


2 comments:

Crazy Mama said...

beautiful post!

Linda R said...

So glad you spoke up on Facebook for flyers today ;-) Love your blog, very thought provoking and I love that. Stay in touch ;-)