Sunday, January 3, 2010

it's ten to 3 am on Saturday night, January 2 (well, technically 3rd). I'm still awake watching vids on my laptop... listening to music on my new ipod. I have creative ideas surging through my system. Like, seriously, my WHOLE system. They must start in my brain but some moments shortly past the brain they become a fully physiological idea and I start zapping down to my digits. seconds after that my brain must be freed up because another one will hit and then another and then another...........
• I need to get to the studio and paint using my old photos/ overhead projector and oil paints, pastels,charcoal.
• close-ups of horses, burned trees, leaves, stones, flowers
I'm excited about this idea after seeing an artist on "Landscape as Muse".

I've also been looking forward to making changes to the kitchen. I'm printing tumbled marble tiles with my photos of close-up hydrangea.... lots of fresh greens and a bit of purple 4"x4" interspersed with plain creamy marble. it's going to look great if we can get it done. first, i have to source marble that matches the ones I already have! THEN, best part of all.... we're getting new appliances. Ours are the absolute cheapest, crappiest that were available in 2004. The oven burns everything on the bottom and is not self-cleaning. The dishwasher is leaving little rust circles on all the white dishes and the fridge is boring and hard to get into. I'm hoping for a fridge with french doors...... I know, does'nt that sound cool?

In the midst of ALL this I continually wonder if my body and brain are going haywire again. I am a skipping stone. The intermittent sleep, agoraphobia, psychedelic creativity, shaking, buzzing, collapsing. All signs that I'm probably not supposed to partake in the fun of self inflicted chaos.... chaos of life is normal though, right?
Why does it feel so unmanageable when you're bipolar?
Everyone close to me says," you can't do that", or, "be careful", or "don't take on so much". So, I'm down to doing pretty much,, a big fat goose egg and the spinning, colorful artistic ideas keep coming. so I'm going for it again, be forewarned. I can't let all these rare kernels pop without catching them.

Insert: for anyone out there prescribed *Oxycarbazapine it has some weird side effects; enlarged pupils, really watery and sensitive eyes, I think it's causing blured vision..... not sure

*(these are all based on my own assessment and in no way implicate a doctor or pharmaceutical company)

3:44 I wonder if I can sleep now? more pills?