Monday, September 7, 2009

twitter, two blogs, a website, Facebook, Linked in, not to mention three different manual calenders, it's a lot to keep track of for someone with faulty wiring. It might be hard for someone with fully functioning wiring as well. Time management has always eluded me and in my attempt to keep the fraying edges of life together I have used every daytimer ever published, often all at the same time. Well, if one works three must work even better. Did you ever stop and think how mathmatical a calender is? It doesn't matter how pretty the pictures are or inspiring the prose, when you break it down it's still a grid with NUMBERS on it!!! for me; hieroglyphs .

Recently I discovered something called dys·cal·cu·li·a.
"(dĭs'kāl-kyōō'lē-ə) n. Impairment of the ability to solve mathematical problems, usually resulting from brain dysfunction." or, Dyslexia with numbers.

The more I read about this disorder the more my heart raced and realized that this is what has been plaguing me for the better part of 38 years. One of the ways it is affecting me in my adult life is in the area of time management. I have chosen jobs, hobbies and pastimes that are as unmathematical as possible. I believe that numbers are the universal language so avoiding math has caused me pathilogical angst and severe health issues.
I bake and cook, which I can honestly say I am very good at. Problem: math.
Early on, around age 11, I started memorizing recipes and learning intuitively, kitchen chemistry. I figured out ratios of butter, sugar flour and leavening agent needed for cookies, I could change the flavour by adding different spices or substituting cocoa for some of the flour to make chocolate. I memorized my great granny's pastry and brownie recipes. you can put ANYTHING in a homemade pie crust and it tastes fabulous!! or load up a hot brownie with chocolate chip mint icecream and people think you are a genius. Genius? Well, it explains a lot. Maybe people did think I was a genius because I got very good at covering over my mental challenges. The only problem is the stress got to me and I couldn't always keep up the facade. Next, I faced anger. I was fired from two jobs, I screwed up doing things that I had become proficient at, letting others down. My marriage has been a rollercoaster in large part from me trying to be something I'm not. Anything that is remotely driven by numbers takes massive quantities of Physical, emotional and probably spiritual energy.... and then I burn out. Hit the skids. Migraines, insomnia, muscle pain, digestive upset, dizziness..... It's a new experience around every corner, the gift that keeps on giving.

Ironies abound though; In one job working at a cosmetics counter I memorized every price for every teeny tiny product. Another job, I was the invertory girl for a weekly count, those days the headaches caused nausea they were so bad.
Life is a journey not a destination and part of my journey is to shamelessly find other people to help me with the stuff that I suck at.