Tuesday, September 30, 2008

wishing I was her

This week I discovered Alison Watt. Now I am hopelessly wishing I was her. She is an artist. an author/writer. A traveler. All the things I would like to be. 
I have had an earache, headache and general yucky feeling for five days. Today I didn't even have enough energy to blow-dry my hair. How am I going to cope with China? Strength is also something I see in others like Alison and wish I could have some.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Summer was a big bang. Dragon-boats full of double-entendres and pushing myself passed what I believed possible. Admittedly, I'm spent and hungry and longing for moonstone and Indigo on Khadi. Daily crossings with the aforementioned imminent danger cause a great deal of panic and force me into seclusion with pharmaceuticals: my closest friend. I can't stand the world sometimes; judging is a jail. Watch the quail.
Every morning they flutter down from their condos (a huge blue spruce in my Mum and Dad's front yard) and faithfully chirp and squeak down the row of apples behind my house. They leave home so early and I have no idea where they head, but, just as the sun turns pink and the mountains inky they follow their path back to the condo tree. Some of them are proud and round and leaders. They delegate and have the smaller set well intimidated and running in circles.
Is my time hear coming to a close? I hope not because I haven't finished with the quail and the condo tree and the pink-chartruese Ambrosia clusters out my kitchen window.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

We're waiting.

We're waiting.
We expected an offer on the farm yesterday, nothing so far. Despite my controlling nature we tend to face uncertainty. "the next moment is the most unstable thing" says Eckhart Tolle. www.eckharttolle.com .
I am now  visualizing a "cute", 4 bedroom 3 bathroom mortgage with a studio in the back yard with parking for all the art collectors coming to see. It' OK to be idealistic, isn't it
For now, I'm waiting while attempting to be in the current moment. Dipping my toe in the pool of the pending, unstable future moment, however.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Bad things I do

i have this feeling of immanent danger or immanent "i'm forgetting to do something important and someone's going to be mad at me". One of my voices says,"who cares if someone's mad at you" and then another, "dude, can you do that, not care that someone's mad at you?".
I do a lot of of really bad things. For example; on Tuesday night I ate a huge bag of cranberry trail mix at 11:55 pm. I watch Martha Stewart at 11:05am in my jammies. So many bad things. Some of the fruit and vegetables go bad in the fridge because we ate frozen pizza instead of stir-fry. Oh, the guilt and remorse provide many hours of entertainment for the judge.

June 18 2008

I've been thinking about writing a web diary for some time but hesitate to perpetuate the rampant narcissism of our cyber-world. That's me always a rebel and opposer:

ORIGIN late Middle English : from Old French opposer, from Latin opponere (see opponent ), but influenced by Latin oppositus ‘set or placed against’ and Old French poser ‘to place.’

I'm getting ready to hang a show of my most recent paintings. I worked hard to be one of those event planners who was organized and prepared, blah, blah, blah. Instead I'm making my best work since a long time...at the last minute. I mixed a big pot of dark purple last week and obliterated 4 canvases that were part of that yucky "organizing for the show group". They have turned into something that I look forward to observing with other observers.
Today is for observing the critical self aka. witch/bitch that always tells me to stop being sooooo _______ creative, spontaneous, forgetful, in-the-moment. Apparently, according to Eckhart, one can step alongside the bitch and watch her make a bloody fool of herself, laugh and then carry on Being. By the way, if you read my shit you will notice that I am not, nor will I ever be, correcting grammatical errors or using politically correct -ease (tongue out, blowing raspberry) Ok, so, even I am detecting an angry teenager tone but it's only my first day writing down this boiling cauldron of burnt.